Sensations.
Sensations. That’s it, that’s all there is.
I long to escape, to fight, to resist
To put up my ready fists
To say no, I don’t want.
I suffer, I struggle
128 beats per minute
Sweat pouring
Fretting the sensations
For why?
They do nothing
They feel, funny, flooding
Rushing
But my light, my fire
It shines on them, it watches
It seeks to see
Curious to all
I smile, I grin
Perplexed by it all
Intense about intensity,
Fearful of fear itself
For fear is just a sensation
An unwanted feeling I’m feeding
By pushing away, by blocking out
My child-like self
Neglected, always
From the first sensation
Labelled bad, stupid, wrong, irrational
I began a lifetime to get rid
To get rid of myself
To become that which I am not
For,
These sensations, I have been fearing forever
For one reason I now begin to see
That — I couldn’t just be
I was told to stop, to drop
To change, to rearrange
My thoughts, my feelings
And so I continued feeding
These sensations I feel
Unwanted, unloved
I push myself away
I ignore, I resist
My child self
Neglected, unloved, unheard
Fed to the birds
Here I am,
Ready to feel.
Intense discomfort, fear, sensations
And to love.
To love myself for which I’ve ignored
To feel what i’ve never allowed myself to feel
For they come and go, not like the ocean’s waves
But like waves of burning molten lava
They roar, loudly, fierce they seem
My younger, inner, ignored self —
Finally allowed out,
Just longing to be heard.
For this energy I feel
Is all I’ve ever known to be real
I will no longer abandon myself
I will no longer ignore the sensations
I will no longer judge the sensations
I will bask in the warmth of the molten lava
For now I know,
At the bottom of the pit
At the peak of the discomfort,
The intensity, the ferocity
Is not to be feared,
Even in the burning depth of the consuming waves,
I learn -
I have got myself.
I am held
I am anchored
I no longer need to pretend
To play up to what i’ve formerly believed
I can,
I can just be.
Alive, within, drowning in the light
In the sensations
Awaiting the next,
But with an anchored centre,
To no longer ride the molten waves
But to sink beneath them
To accept myself, entirely
And to realise, I am not that which I feel
Then the truth, continues to be revealed
It rings loudly,
What is possible?
If I befriend these sensations
21 years of resistance
21 years of stopping, blocking
Exhausting myself
Judging
Shaming
Abandoning myself
For I cannot live like this,
At the mercy of my thoughts, feelings
These — sensations
The sweaty hands
Exploding heart
Racing mind
Breathlessness
Judgement, shame, guilt
Not good enough,
Throat closing,
Tightly gripped,
Tense and on edge
21 years, seeking to change, to rearrange
I am, exhausted
The mountains called me
The height overbearing
The sensations arose, I can’t deal
With that which I feel
But it washed over me, deeply
For I remain anchored beneath
20 years old, I put down my sword
A refusal to fight no more
A forceful drive, I committed
To an imposible feat
50 miles, running, in mountains
Fear, heights, doubt, insecurity
14 hours alone with my thoughts
Distraction no longer
It invited me in,
I knew I had no choice but to go,
The time has come
These sensations
To feel things intensely, to dance within the despair of death
For I know, this former life, this can’t be it
Stressed, repressed
Exaggeratively unimpressed
With this life I experience
Void of contentment, peace
Chasing more to fill up,
an empty, neglected pit
“Me”
That just wants to be heard
No longer ignored
And the journey began
To face dark imaginings
To feel things fully
To stop running away
To stop trying to fix
To stop trying to change,
To surrender control,
But to learn to be,
completely Me.
The younger self I always hoped
But never believed,
could ever be free.
Awaiting these sensations
To control and resist, remains no longer
For I will no longer neglect
Myself.
36,000ft in the air
Void of control
It all just happens
These sensations
Stored for 21 years
Never allowed out, to be heard, to be felt
Locked away, kept deep at bay
For they come flooding out, basked in my light
My infinite, presence
That watches them move and seeks to change;
Nothing
The controller, the doer, the forcer,
Continues to dissolve, for I learn
There is nothing to do,
Nowhere to go.
For I commit now,
To this path
That continues to teach me,
How to just be,
Me.
I see it all clearly,
I feel reborn
Floating around,
In this sphere of awareness
I see,
The dark void, the dark void of fear
The unending cascade of hopeless what ifs
The never ending story of “me”
For it comes and it goes,
And it’s not for me to control
But to just watch and be with,
These sensations.
___
I’ve been a victim to thinking, analysing, fretting, figuring out — constantly, on repeat, forever.
Thinking about thinking, figuring out feelings, analysing what should and shouldn’t happen, what I should’ve said, who I should be, what I should do, shouldn’t do.
Forever, continuously, judging my experience of right now. What’s wrong, how I can fix, seeking to change, to manage, to control.
Endlessly hoping for a better future, rooting from the belief that there is something wrong with me, the world, my life.
But that somehow, if I keep rushing, chasing, desiring, running after more self development, more business, more success — I will be enough.
And, I will feel content. I will no longer be separate, broken, needing to be fixed.
Flooded with sensations, feelings, emotions, thoughts — a cocktail of “stuff” to manage.
To control, to figure out. To hide, to manage. To judge, to resist.
An exhausting pursuit, to manage one’s experience.
And a game I refuse to play anymore.
Because I’m forever learning, I have no control.
Over my feelings, thoughts, sensations, emotions.
And what freedom, true, liberating freedom lies within that Truth.
And what Truth lies within right now, void of the mind’s judgement.
36,000ft in the air — amidst a storm of energy, sensations, fear, thoughts, I couldn’t stop writing!
I am only just even scratching the surface to see the Truth of what life really is, and the unending, infinite reality of what there is to discover when “me” ceases to exist.
What life truly is when I surrender the desire to think.
With unconditional, indescribable love and thank you to the amazing beings that followed their hearts & surrendered to their Truth, despite the potential disconnect and subsequent discomfort for realising what an illusion we have all been living.
But the burning courage to make a choice, to walk the less trodden path and to follow their greatest desire.
And to commit to a life of helping others do the same.
Unending love and gratitude for the incredible teachers that have and continue to facilitate my exploration of consciousness — with special thanks to: Arjuna, Sumati, Amaraj, Sevaka, Chandrama, Shukri Devi, Haimavati, Jayatsena, Jaya, Manyu & Priya Ishaya.
And all other Ishaya’s who continue to change reality as we know it.
You don’t realise what ‘home’ means or feels like, until you come back.
❤️.
