Void of..
“I should”
“I need”
“I must”
“I am”
What are you?
For so long, I have believed I am all of them things.
I am the doer, I am the pushing force that needs to continuously work to do and be more.
I am the things that I do, I am the things that I think I need to do, I am all of the circulating thoughts that tell me everything from the never ending list of tasks to the inherent engrained belief that there must be something wrong with me.
But behind all of that — there is an incredible power.
My running, my life — is changing in accordance to this.
See, a year ago today, I signed up for my first ever ultramarathon.
I had very little, well, no — experience in trail running, fell running, ultra running, being outdoors in general. I had no idea what I was doing, and really, no idea why I was doing it.
Other than — I knew I would have to figure out a way to no longer be so in my head, if I wanted to run for 50 miles.
The kind of person that thinks to their peril, something I’ve been forever.
What to say, when to say it, what if, what will they think, will I cope, is this right? Is this it? There must be more to life?
You get the point.
Life was thinking. Doing things to think better of myself, the world, to hope people thought better of me.
Living for the future but simultaneously preoccupied in the past.
The most abundant addiction of our western culture..
Addicted to our thoughts about life.
Life is as good as our thoughts.
But — what if it isn’t?
Behind all of that, there is more.
More to us as beings, than just the things we think & the way we think them.
Endless planning, methods, structure, routine..
Leave little in the room for fluid, intuitive freedom.
Sure, discipline allows for freedom, but to an extent that freedom gets destroyed in the depths of a lot of disciplines.
Them things you’re just pulled to do…
Some people call it their calling, a universal force, God..
Some are too identified and involved with their minds that they can’t understand this & that this just sounds like a load of “ugh” rubbish.
Running has been a vehicle for me to experience exactly this.
It’s gone from a “right I’ve got 2 hours to run”
Followed by a low hanging dread of..
“that’s a long time”
“how am I going to do that”
Then once that’s over, endless ideas, self defeating and forwards propelling, replaying conversations, traumas, desires, ideas, wants..
endless. loops.
From that, to running for upwards of 18 hours in Snowdonia, through dawn, day, dusk, rain, sun, all that could be involved — and having the most peaceful time & truly understanding what it means to:
Be where my feet are.
And running for me, is something I feel pulled to do.
Not something I need to do out of compulsive need or desire, not something that If I can’t do I’m not myself anymore..
But something that I feel pulled to do.
Presence.
Running, anything, is really quite a struggle & painful when you’re consumed by your thoughts about it.
Our minds, are really, in most circumstances, useless tools.
Your mind tells you —
“Ooo! Chocolate cake! Eat that chocolate cake NOW!”
You eat the chocolate cake, listening to the mind.
Your mind then tells you —
“You stupid fat bitch why on EARTH did you do that?!”
Useless. Tool.
Toing and froing. Back and forth. Loops after loops.
It makes sense that people find running (and life) a struggle.
When you’re being dictated by a limited piece of machinery that has no real sense of what it means to “be”, but just to always “do” — life will be rather limited.
I am currently training for a 38 miler in 4 weeks..
On the shortest day of the year, in the Lakes..
And last weekend, I went for a 20 mile REECE run, took just under 4h30 and it was wonderful.
The time also, literally flew by.
Because of prioritising presence.
Prioritising being where my feet are.
Not lost in the
“how long left”
“this shouldn’t be this hard”
“how will I do this”
insert endless list again.
But just existing in a space of seeing all of that pass by, free of judgement.
Our judgements about our experience create all of the suffering.
If running is hard? That’s ok, and a smooth experience.
If running is hard AND you’re then mentally arguing about how hard it is, how it shouldn’t be, what this means, what it’s going to be like in 10 miles-time..
That’s suffering.
In this place, we can be pulled by them “forces”.
We feel compelled to do things, and we do them.
We can ALL & all have operated on a level of a pull to do something, where something “just comes over you” or “comes to you”
Be that a difficult conversation, a job change, to move, to cook..
However, typically it’s then layered with judgements of what if, not now, this means, etc..
Without the above judgements, we’re pulled to the right place, always.
This is where I think a lot of runners, and people — miss the complete and utter magic of life.
We all, always, know what to say, what to do, how to do it.
We just continuously live in a place where we’re so bound by structure, routine, being ran by our minds — that we can never act from this place.
Arguing with our feelings, trying to change our experience.
A place I’m becoming increasingly more committed to living in — is pure truth.
By truth — I simply mean to work with ourselves and to not deny the things we experience.
For me, since learning & being whole heartedly committed to being present, where my feet are.. I’m realising my own truths.
The things I want to say, I say.
The things I want to do, I do.
The experience I have, be that —
A hard run..
A day of low energy..
Negative feelings towards someone..
A smooth, easy run
A day of high energy and lust for life..
Love to express..
I can’t deny that truth.
I don’t need to try and change it.
I don’t need to argue with it, make it different, I just need to experience it.
But we live in a culture that’s so forceful, so determined to change everything about ourselves and our experience..
That we can never, really — just be.
Because right now isn’t good enough.
Maybe right now is uncomfortable, maybe it’s raining, maybe you’re cold, maybe you’re going through feeling hurt..
But that is your truth.
And what I’m learning, is the more I can stop denying my truth of my experience, the easier life becomes.
And with running, that doesn’t mean it’s not uncomfortable or somewhat painful.
But it just means that I’m not longing for the moment that right now changes.
That creates all the stress and that’s why I used to find running (and I’m learning, life) so hard.
Drives, ambition, determination is awesome — but from my experience, when it doesn’t come from a place of stillness, of true feeling & pull to do that thing..
And instead comes from a place of I must, I need, I should, forever craving validation, approval, to become something.. it’s a void that can never be filled.
You can run as many miles as you want, earn as much money as you want, people can think you’re the most awesome person in the world..
But if you can’t both express & live your truth?
Life is a struggle.
Running, is a great expression for this.
Ultrarunning, especially, because you experience so many things.
Feeling great, feeling bad, memories, projections, excitements, connection, isolation..
You experience things, that you can choose to allow, to express to experience, or you can choose to resist, to deny & to suffer.
Truth — is all I want.
And in that truth, the smoothness & flow of life shines through our beings.
And that — is why I love ultrarunning.
And and, why I’m attempting to run 106 miles across Scotland in just under 7 months time..
I’m documenting my experience, thoughts and all else on Youtube.. click here to watch.
