Giving up the fight — How I’m mentally dealing with being injured & unable to walk or run.
I remember having always had this shaky sense that a lot of, if not all of my happiness and all that comes with it, has been based on things outside of myself.
By that, I mean — people, events, things, activities, all the doing stuff.
The just “being” thing has always been relatively alien to me. By relatively, I mean like, completely absent.
I remember having somewhat of a “complex” about it, actually. Where I anything I loved doing, people I loved being with, anything of the sort — there was always this underlying — “this is going to end soon” feeling.
Resulting in quite a lack of presence and fulfilment from the moment.
The somewhat exhaustion of then needing to pursue another thing to fill a hole. Hedonism and surface level “happiness” was the path I was walking, but a bit like a hidden bog, it looked way better than it was.
Now, I’m aware that this is how we all really live. This is the parameters of living in the UK, and of being a somewhat socially accepted person.
It’s a complete norm to be doing so much, and even — it’s completely and utterly celebrated. And I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it, either.
But, this idea of — things are always going to be taken away from you…
I don’t perceive to mean to not involve myself in life, to retreat from fun, connection, service, contribution.. all else. But at least, to a degree, hold it lightly.
To not base one’s entire self-worth and happiness on something that isn’t you.
I think that’s what all the wise people have said, isn’t it? A nice quote to read, a scarier act to live.
This has been something that’s been brewing for a while, but it’s been magnified by being injured.
I’ve been unable to walk, and certainly unable to run for about 10 days now.
Hobbling around on crutches, unknown to my 9 year old self who used to secretly hope she would break a leg to get them, isn’t actually that fun.
Now, I LOVE running. Like, love it.
Running in the mountains, for however long I desire, in silence, immersed in and being taught to dance with the weather & the universe — nothing quite fills my inner and outer soul like it.
It’s escapsim. It’s fun. It’s being. It’s doing. It’s challenge. It’s uncomfortable. It’s euphoric. It’s shit. It’s hard. It’s hurty. It’s love. It’s adventure.
For the last year, since getting into ultrarunning, my life truly has changed in many unexpected and peculiar yet exciting ways.
And it’s become somewhat of a ritual that every weekend, normally Saturday mornings, I get up at 4/5am, get in my car, absolutely BLAST Florence & The Machine, sing my heart out whilst driving to somewhere mountainous and green.
I then run for 3–6 hours, usually, immersed in the outdoors, exploring, facing fear, and all else.
Whilst feeling a cool satisfaction of progressing towards something I thought was impossible, like running an ultramarathon.
I then drive home, another 1–2 hours, likely in silence.
There’s a chunk of time every week where I have time to just be. To be where my feet are, to appreciate and feel in awe at the world, to push myself, to have no one demanding anything from me, to think, reflect and to play on the mountains like a child.
Ultrarunning excites me. Because it seem so impossible, it’s all really quite unknown, it’s an adventure of figuring shit out as you go along and overcoming and rising above the mental “I can’t do that”. Whilst ALSO drowning in the outdoors.
A good drowning though. Although I’m not sure that’s a thing lol.
I’m currently training for a 106 mile ultramarathon, GB Ultras Scotland 100, that’s on June 10th 2023. 22 weeks away. My first 100 miler, which feels like QUITE a bit deal, to me.
It also seems quite impossible.
I had 2 weeks or so off after my last ultramarathon that was about 3 weeks ago, and in that time planned, prepped and read soooo many ultrarunning books, watched way too many innov8 ultrarunning documentaries and I was so so so so so excited to get started.
And then OH.
I can’t actually walk… and I’m not quite sure how long for.
Initially, there’s a period of frustration, anger, disappointment, upset.
And this is a really important point, I think — to allow this to happen.
I remember for the first day or so, observing my mind’s denial and catastrophising of this pain and feeling, and trying to “feel grateful” for it.
That’s one way to deny yourself the space to feel how you do. Once I realised I was trying to not feel annoyed, I stopped that fight.
I let the feelings come up, and soon they passed. As they always do when we don’t fight them. As is also with these things, always — easier said than done.
Once the anger, frustration and self pitying had commenced, the reality was quite clear, and I’ve began to feel quite at peace with it.
Now, when I’ve been injured before, I don’t think I’ve ever quite felt at peace with it lol. It’s been a rough period of fighting my own mind, feeling resentful at life and being in a pretty low spot.
.. because training, running, whatever the “thing” has been, has been who I am, it’s been my only outlet, my only way to be, to express..
And of course, that’s a scary thing to be taken from you. Like having the ground swept from beneath your feet, but instead of being left with floaty air, you’re left with burning hot spiky lava.
I’d be mentally chewing on it for longer than is ever helpful and I’d feel absolutely exhausted, as a result.
So a few things, really:
1 — Let yourself feel pissed off.
This is really important.
And I think is also really not ever spoken about, in the stiff-upper lip Britishness that we play in everyday.
“Ah it’s fine”.
Has a purpose sometimes I guess, you know, I guess it allows us to pursue and stick with arduous tasks, but to be honest, I think 95% of the time It’s unhelpful and disconnecting as fuck.
And once this has passed, then it has passed.
But — notice the difference between allowing yourself to feel how you do, and adding fuel to the fire.
For example, something I noticed strongly for the first few days was the mental loops and dialogue of —
“what If I can’t run again for a year and I can’t do the event and then and then and then”
“how long will this last how long will this last how long will this last”
“‘why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why?”
Etc, etc.
All of that I can consciously and intentionally begin to think about. And I did, and it was exhausting.
Once I noticed it, I used them thoughts and tones of dialogue as a reminder to come back to where my feet are, to be present and to just watch it.
Because really, it’s our thinking about it that is the problem. That creates all the suffering in the world. And when you notice and become aware of yourself doing this, it’s empowering and freeing because then you have choice to not do it.
And also soon, them thought loops run out of fuel, if you let them just pass, rather than continuously engage with them, fight them or add to them.
It’s a bit like boredom, you’re only ever bored when you’re mind tells you “I’m bored”. Without that thought, there’s nothing wrong.
Give yourself unlimited love and compassion for how you’re feeling, allow yourself to do so, but also love yourself enough to not make it worse. To be aware of not engaging in the defeating, catstrophe-breeding thoughts.
And again, this comes back to the inner stability I was referring to at the beginning. It’s vital to make you not so reliant on external means to feel safe & worthy.
2 — What if I gain loads of weight?!?
For a lot of women in particular, and I have experienced it myself and see it every week in my work, there is a strong need to train, in fear of gaining fat or eating too much or whatever.
This is also a really important thing to talk about and be aware of.
I used to be incredibly consciously cautious about eating. As a woman, subject to the law of the media, there are many unconscious, deeply engrained beliefs that how I look makes me a worthy life on earth. That every week, I unravel more and more.
And this for many people is so subtle, but transpires into this need to train — because if they don’t then WHAT IF.
If the only reason you run, train, whatever it is — is from a place of fear of gaining fat, then it’s going to be really shit.
And sadly, this is where so many women live. It’s where I used to live, and it’s a stressful home. Food isn’t this normal thing we consume, food is this reward and punishment. And again, in the UK, this is a normal conversation and rule between women..
Like, of COURSE I starve myself if I feel bloated. Of COURSE I beat myself up for 3 days after having a bit of a brownie.
It’s no wonder there is this strong need to exercise.
Need vs want are 2 very different places to come from.
But it takes a level of courage and openness to accept and realise that you’re being ran by this idea that you need to train or else you’re a shit human. When you can see this, you can separate from it.
And you can do things from wanting, not needing.
And then — when it gets taken away from you, you’re not left questioning your existence and worthyness.
You know, and this isn’t just applied to training, running, it’s applied to life. To relationships, to careers, to all else.
And the predominant theme here is the inner work and ability to see your beliefs, thoughts and ideas for what they are. Not YOU.
Injury is way less terrifying when you’re not fearing for your life about overeating.
Because also, when you’re so frightened of overeating, or eating poorly or whatever you want to label it as.. it means that you feel almost completely out of control with food.
This is something I’ve been working closely with women on for almost 2 years now. And shockingly, quite literally every single woman I coach feels very out of control with food.
Because of one thing — they have so many rules around it. Shouldn’t, can’t. Bad, guilt. All that.
The more control you try to have, the less you end up having.
And the lesser of an ability you have to actually listen to what your body needs and wants, and to exercise discernment where necessary, because it’s not your only opportunity of the week to eat something other than salmon and walnuts.
Get off the hamster wheel, your pour soul has a better place to live.
3 — Things are only shit comparatively speaking
Last week, I sat on an indoor bike for a couple of hours. I wanted to maintain some fitness, get moving & exert some of my somewhat endless energy in some way.
I actually enjoyed it.
Never, ever would I have said that. Or even thought it would be a possibility.
And it occurred to me, that things are only ever shit in comparison.
For example, I remember, I was maybe 40 mins into a steady hour or so on a bike, staring at a wall.
I was just plodding along, pretty free of thought — when this pesky thing floated into my awareness —
“this isn’t quite as soul filling as being in the mountains”
Ha!
thanks.
Now yes, I’d agree with that on a surface level. And I saw an opportunity to either engage and chew on it, such as —
“yes this is shit, god I’m so bored”
“how much longer is left?”
“I can’t do this for a few more weeks”
“fuck this”
blah blah.
But I just noticed it.
And realised I was having a perfectly content experience until the prospect of comparison came in.
And of course, there are things in life that we all individually get more and less out of.
For me, running in the mountains is one of them things that is way beyond a neutral feeling, it’s like a 500% feeling.
Sitting indoors on an exercise bike, is like a 100%. It’s ok.
But a realisation that I don’t need to seek out the 500% for it to be good enough. It’s only not good enough when you’re judging the hell out of it.
It’s something I became very apparent on when running GB Ultras Snowdon 50 in September, I remember being 28 miles in, going up Glydr Fawr & Glydr Fach, and just watching my brain implode with
“this is so hard”
“I can’t believe I have 22 miles left”
“I’ve got about another 6 hours to go”
blah blah blah.
And this big awareness and realisation of OH.
Without that, I was doing ok.
Yes, things hurt, I was in pain, I was tired and all the rest.
But them feelings without the judgement of them are perfectly tolerable.
And I had in my mind and kept coming back to the phrase “be where my feet are”, every-time I noticed these thoughts.
It’s the same with the indoors exercise bike.
Do I derive the same level of soul filling excitement as I do from running in mountains? No.
But do I derive that from washing the dishes? From putting the bins out? From doing admin? No.
But it doesn’t mean it’s AWFUL. It can just be ok.
Except admin, I think I can happily define that as AWFUL.
And to be content with that, feels like a really important life “skill”.
When I’m hobbling around on crutches, it’s only really intensely frustrating and disheartening when I get lost in the —
“imagine If I could walk without these”
“how much longer will I be on these”
“this isn’t fun”
You get the point..
Again, internal awareness.
No need to change or fight your mind and what it wants, but to be aware of when it’s creating stress is seemingly proving to be rather helpful.
There are many things, always.
Something that’s become very apparent and clear to me in the last 2 weeks is this — I love being in nature.
But that to do that, to immerse myself in such, doesn’t require all that much.
To just feel the wind on my face, to watch the clouds move, to stare at the dark, full moon lit sky — is enough.
And while I can’t walk or run, I can rest in the stillness of the above.
Whilst yes, combining that with running and all else is fantastically bloody awesome, to exist within the uncontrollable force of the universe is enough.
Also what’s come up for me, is whilst there’s a strong urge and feeling to retreat inward into self-pity and frustration, there is also a greater calling to give.
An opportunity of both time and mental space to give more, to support more, to be of service more.
To channel what I would into my own pursuits, into other people’s.
There comes great fulfilment from that.
But on that note, it doesn’t mean to take away from oneself. It doesn’t mean to just decide to neglect your own needs in pursuit of others, but it does provide an opportunity to notice the difference between needs and wants.
The needs need to be met, the wants can wait.
And whilst this might all sound nice and compartmentalised and peaceful, alike anything — to me, to be at peace with something doesn’t necessarily mean to be happy for it, or even grateful for it.
It just means to stop fighting it.
The pangs of frustration, anger, somewhat of a ‘loss’ still occur. They still bubble up, but that’s just what happens.
The last 11 days have been a rollercoaster of pain, more pain, no pain! whooo! Oh pain again, more and more. And it’s go — — nope, pain is back. It is frustrating.
But frustration is ok when you don’t try to not feel frustrated. That’s like feeling frustrated and then throwing yourself into a boiling hot bowl of chicken and mushroom soup.
The premise, really, being — feel how you do.
But acknowledge the difference between adding fuel and respecting your feelings.
And in that, you can see the opportunity hidden in what can feel like a self-obsessed disaster.
It never always gets worse.
Except using crutches, my hands feel like they’re shredded to the bone. I’m not sure that gets any better?
