You know, I never know how to start articles. So I’m going to bypass the introduction. Commence.
I have been trail running for almost 2.5 years now. Really, not that long. Now, trail running is a bit like road running, except you are likely to lose your toenails, get attacked by stinging nettles, fearfully fumble into a field full of cows before frantically escaping, and, else.
Running down slippery, rocky, tree-rooted, steep trails, is quite the experience. And by quite the experience, I mean, utterly fucking terrifying, when you’ve never done it before. And conversely, quite the experience, when you’ve gained efficiency and skill — and it feels akin to how I imagine ecstasy would feel. You totally lose yourself, in the best of ways. Of course “yourself” referring to, not actually you, but all the sums and parts that constitute our experience of being a human; and all the things that we identify with. Most, if not all things, we seek out as humans — are to fulfil this loss of oneself. To meet with ourselves. The true self. Beyond all the layers, noise, ideas, else.
This morning, 4:50am, my alarm went off, and I got out of bed, whilst making the noises that you make and walking like a victim of a severe bus accident. After dealing with the unfortunate events of having gut issues, I headed to Richmond to meet with my friend Arjuna, at 6am, for a good 2 hours of running.
He was leading us, through some steep, undulating, slippy as fuck, mystical forests. It was very dark at 6am, with sunrise not till 6:30am, and it being, as mentioned: foggy as fuck. Neither of us had a head torch, which was way more fun, because a) I hate bright lights except the sun, and b) it’s quite fun when you can’t see and you’re running on a very narrow slippy trail with a fairly high drop to your right that would send you directly, if lucky, into the river Swale, if not lucky — probably hitting a few trees on the way. Thankfully, neither things happened.
We did, what you do, we ran, up, and up, and up — and I will note: actually ran, which is peculiar, having trained heavily for ultras where you don’t run up the giant fuck off hills, I am really enjoying the whole running for the whole run, thing. Beyond just feeling like a self-indulgent legend, I also love all ends of efforts — and the high efforts that slip back down into the steady, feels like it increases my mental tolerance and capacity for physical discomfort, each time realising and reinforcing: I can push hard, recover, and keep going. But, there is a fine line; too hard, and you send yourself into the sorry shameful walk. Which, if you’re into ultra-running, you can reframe this as ‘power hiking’ and feel less sorry for yourself.
Eventually getting to the top, it was now time to come down. At least we could see now. Arjuna, for the first 20 minutes, was running like he’d had at least 3 glasses of wine. He (apparently) hadn’t, it was just slippy, and: very dark. Slippy, muddy, narrow, tree branches everywhere, and – a rather steep fall to the right. Arjuna bombed it down the trail, and I was left looking like a squirrel that had just been, half, ran over by a boeing 747. With maybe, the use of one limb remaining. Aka, a squirrel that would eventually give a very meaningful ted talk.
I began running, then running slower, then slower, then my body weight began heavily leaning back, and more back, my feet now landing far in front of me, and Arjuna — no more to be seen, I hoped he’d not tipped into the Swale, I was really hoping for a Sunday with no plans. Eventually forced to walk, I was laughing to myself, at how insane it is at how easily you lose it. Trail running, of course — you need cardiovascular fitness, muscular endurance, good strength, stability and mobility, else — but you also, really need these two things: skill and confidence. The two of which, are interdependent on one another. You can’t have one without the other. They’re both necessary, for the other. I don’t know why I felt the need to explain that more than once. Maybe Tourette’s. Anyway.
One of the most satisfying experiences of my life was becoming more proficient at trail running. Going from, running, but basically walking, actually — more like not-at-all-controlled falling, down mountains like a squirrel and boeing 747 combination, to entirely losing oneself and having absolutely no idea how my feet are moving so fast, and: bombing it down. Getter better is innately satisfying. It’s like the love of dogs. Dogs are just, great. They’re less complex than humans. They just love. They just are love. If you love a dog, and they love you — because, they do, it just keeps getting better. The love never stops, each building on the previous. Dog love. The best love. But — this is what the combination of skill and confidence is; it’s just like dog love. They just keep building on each-other.
Having gone from unconsciously incompetent (aka, shit and no idea how not to be shit), to unconsciously competent (aka, not too shit, and I’m not trying) — I know, and trust, that I can regain both my skill and confidence back. And I do know that there is a phase of it being sucky mc sucky (official term). But, there is no way around it. The only way out is through.
Here’s the thing.
Getting better at things requires, the obvious, practice.
And with that practice, it requires the fake it till you make it, sort of thing.
Here’s an example, because I may have exhausted the running one. Or more — I’m bored of it lol.
Swimming.
I am shit at swimming. And no, this isn’t a oh god I look so fat in this!!! statement, I am — actually shit at swimming. And I take no attack on my self-worth for this fact, I’m just shit.
Before, 2 days ago, I couldn’t put my head under water without holding my nose. And, I’ve sort of been dancing with a crazy idea my friend Meg had, about doing a triple ironman — which basically means doing it 3x the distance, so a 7.5 mile swim or 12km, or I have no idea how many lengths (and then 340 miles on a bike and a 75 mile run all in one go, lol) . I really have no clue about swimming. Whether I do this or not, who knows, but I would like to be at least, a decent swimmer. And at the very least, increase my chance of not being the loser that dies in a boating accident, or worse, a plane crash. I want to be the one that can swim 80 miles back to shore to make a documentary about it. That was a joke. But also..
Anyway — this week, after seriously putting it off for 4 weeks, I went to the pool. All the gear, yep, no fucking idea. My friend Kate went too, and she was trying to teach me how to swim, other than a very dodgy breast stroke — which was my current competence level. She managed to sort of show me how to go underwater without inhaling the whole of catterick (and it’s contents), but still: I choked many times. Now combine this with the technique needed for swimming, the timing, the breathing, the muscular endurance, the specific skills — else. I think Kate had fun. But you have to go through it, to gain skill and confidence.
And so often, we wait until we feel confident. And only THEN, can we go and do the thing, or practice the thing in the hope that one day we will become better at it. But here’s the thing. Waiting for confidence, is about as silly as relying solely on hope. It’s not entirely stupid, but there are things you can be doing to make it easier for yourself. Fake it till you make it, to me at least, means: do it without confidence, anyway. Do it as though you are confident.
For me, the fake it till you make it part, is all with regard to acting as somebody who is confident, would act. Aka — go to the fucking pool. Go with all your doubts, insecurities, fears, frustrations, else. Take them with you. Don’t wait till they go, until you can. Do it with. I feel too often in life, the messaging is on needing to get rid, or fix these very normal experiences of life — to allow us to do the thing we want to. But here’s the thing — going through the stages of lacking confidence, lacking skill, feeling shit, being shit — is all part of it. Doesn’t sound that sexy, I know, but it’s how you build and cultivate legitimate confidence deep in yourself.
Sure, the specific confidence of “I can run down from this summit back to the car”, or, hopefully me soon “I can swim for 500m without drowning”., is important and satisfying. But to me, far MORE important than the external, outer confidence — is the building of the inner confidence. Of which, comes from experiencing the overcoming, the dancing with, and the going through — the discomfort, to realise, learn and understand — that you CAN do it. But more importantly, that you CAN do it, even with the presence of self-doubt. It’s not the inner messaging of “I can do it!” that gives us the ability to do hard things and to develop as people. It’s the deep understanding in oneself that we are beyond that. That our beliefs, ideas, suggestions, internal narrative — is all just part of our experience of being a human, but beyond all the bits that move — there is a solidity — you.
We are not all the moving parts. The ever flowing weather of good/bad, can/can’t, love/hate, right/wrong — and here is where true freedom lies. Because, yes we can absolutely intentionally build up our ‘outer’ confidence, aspire for a more affirming inner narrative, allign our life to provide anchors to support and encourage us, listen to motivating music, people, else — YES. These things are important.
BUT.
Learning to not rely on the experience of you that you can not directly control, in order to move towards a meaningful experience, is true freedom.
What is on the other side of fear?
Freedom.
One of my favourite quotes of all time, is this:
“This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it’s a feather bed.” — Terence Mckena
But you can’t know this by reading about it. You can’t know this by hoping that one day you will cultivate the confidence to do that thing. You have to go through it. You have to experience it all. And here’s the sneaky trap: even though you have read this, you may ‘know this’, you understand yeah yeah it’s mean to feel hard it’s okay to be shit, it doesn’t make it any easier.
Go beyond confidence. Go beyond the surface outer layer of limitation.
Do it with, so that you can do it without.
Do it with the discomfort, the doubt, the noise, so that you learn to do it without getting rid of it.
Anyway.
There’s some words.
More words are: I forgot how when I run for 2 hours, it makes me less like a dog that hasn’t been walked for 4 days. My desire today, has been: horizontal.
Why is also hilarious how the mind works, because, in my mind, 2 hours is nothing. I shouldn’t be affected? Not because I think I’m some god or machine-esque being, but because of habituation. I’ve ran 70 miles, for 25 hours, in a heatwave, on day 2 of my period, therefore anything less than this, shouldn’t make me tired. Lol. The mind is funny. That’s why we: go beyond.
Fun fact: I don’t have any.
PS —
If you’ve read this..
I’m looking for 10 people who would be willing to read some writing of mine, give me some feedback, and else..
I’m a little scared to share it — but hey, the above lol, if you’d be keen — send me a message on instagram or Facebook, or better, email me mia.oldroyd@hotmail.co.uk..
Anyway
Bye
